I watched Kill Bill today while doing homework. I absolutely love Quenten Tarantino's movies, but I was remarkably squeamish today and found myself nauseous when listening to all the nasty sounds coming from the movie.

I have also been humming Bang Bang (He Shot Me Down) from the beginning-ish scene of Kill Bill for the past four hours. Good song. Somewhat depressing, but it's good nonetheless.

Still working hard on Matthew's scarf. I never realized how tall he is. That guy is 6'4"! He's huge! Well, huge to me, miss 4'10". So I'm not really sure how long to make the scarf, because he says things like "You know better, probably," and "I trust your judgement." GAH! At least he's not demanding, which is something to be very thankful for.

I started watching the vlogbrother videos today. I found them to be very entertaining. I watched probably ten today and will watch more tomorrow.

Today was definitely the day from hell. I hate that I won't be able to fully express myself openly on Plurk for a while. That is bloody ridiculous. I hate her. With a passion. She's controlling and possessive.

Not going to rant there.

I'm probably going to spend the rest of the evening until 10 or something close to that listening to Lime and Violet and knitting. Good night, Live journal.

mood: blah tags: bang bang, height, kill bill, knitting, lime and violet, plurk, quenten tarantino, vlogbrothers

I'm not going to be despondent in this post. Not even going to talk about what's going on, lest I jinx something and hate myself forever.

I started the Cameo Faggot Stitch Scarf today for Matt. It's knitting up wonderfully. I'm kind of worried about it being stiff or scratchy, so I may go online and look for ways to soften it up, even though the yarn is so soft right now. But it will probably be softer towards the end, as I'm knitting rather loosely.

I'm also not exactly following the pattern completely, aside from the stitch pattern. It's a scarf. One does not need to get gauge with a scarf or use the perfect amount of stitches of the perfect size needles. Really, this pattern is so easily adjustable. The number of cast on stitches just needs to be a multiple of three.

And I never thought I would be someone who plays around with patterns and adjusts them for my own desires. This is so weird.

Can't wait for Christmas, to be honest. No, I'm not done with any Christmas knitting and I don't care; those presents will just be birthday presents. More than likely, I'll finish Matt's scarf in time for it to be sent to him sometime around Christmas.

One knows they have found a winner when the recipient argues with you for several minutes because you won't let him/her pay you for your gifts. Considering all the shit that's going on, I'm beyond thankful he asked for a scarf. It's not as hard/time consuming as socks, and I do have to focus on the pattern in order to make sure I do not make any mistakes with the stitch pattern.

It could also be that I'm listening to Lime and Violet, and they do take up all my thoughts.

Ugh. Going to have to sleep soon. I don't want to. I hate sleeping because when I try to get to sleep, I think and thinking is bad. Especially considering the day I had today.

Chris and I may have to stop talking for a while. Hoping desperately that this will not be the case. We talked all day even though he said we couldn't. We'll see tomorrow.

I really just don't think he's happy where he is. And it sucks to see that. He blames himself for everything, even things that were never his fault.

Getting off before I rant some more. Good night, live journal.

mood: scared music: lime & violet - Episode 95 - Porking the Frog | Powered by Last.fm tags: cameo faggot stitch scarf, christmas, hope, knitting, lime and violet, wool

I can't do this. I started getting really nihilistic about an hour ago. Broke down and just started wondering what life really is. I asked Him. And now, I remember why I love Him...why I've fallen so hard for Him.

There were times where, even though we had never physically met, it was as if I could feel him near me. Sometimes, if I try hard enough, I can still hear his voice.

I miss it. I miss him. I miss openly loving him. I miss telling him every day how amazing and wonderful he was and how much he meant to me. I just miss being so high on happiness.

I can't do this.

mood: nihilistic

Feeling rather down, to be honest. Not necessarily despondent, but just a bit lonely and down. I feel let down. Eh. Matt said he was going to call me tonight...well, it's currently 7 AM where he is. I was kinda looking forward to that all day.

Chris is off visiting Roxy, and I haven't heard from him since 1 o'clock today. Haven't really been texting anyone else.

I seriously hate that I feel lonely so easily. Yes, my family is in the next room. However, I don't communicate well with them at all. I don't really communicate at all. I speak when spoken to. I don't exactly think aloud around them. They do make me feel alienated.

I really just need someone I can laugh with. Someone I can spill my whole soul to and trust completely. But I don't exactly trust anyone completely anymore. Chris was the only one, but I feel as if it is wrong for me to trust him completely the way I used to, so I try not to do so anymore.

He was a bit flirty today, unfortunately. Sparked a little bit of hope in me. Hope is a terrible terrible thing. He's engaged and I need to back off. There's a rather good chance it will change again and his status will be married.

However, there is a part of me that will always love him. Will always want him. Will always long to talk to him.

I miss his voice. I miss everything about us that used to be. I miss saying good night to him. I miss him greeting me when he woke up with 'morning, beautiful.' I miss blushing every time he complimented me. I miss the butterflies and goosebumps he used to give me. I miss the way my heart pounded when I heard his voice.

He was absolutely perfect. And I still do believe that, were Roxy not in the picture, we could have been something wonderful. The three months I spent openly loving him were wonderful. Absolute heaven. Nothing I've been romantically involved with has lasted that long and been that constant.

It's the little things I miss. The Sunday after Thanksgiving he called me out of nowhere to tell me I was cute, which led to us laughing and chatting and just being wonderfully happy for an hour and a half. His voice is still ringing in my ears. When I am half asleep, my mind will think of him and "I love you, Taylor Bolduc" still rings in my head, his voice as clear as if I had just heard it.

I'm trying not to stay in this state, but I always regress to it when the night comes. More than anything, I just don't want to feel so alone at night.

I know. I'm fifteen. I don't even know what lonely is. I also have no idea what love is and have never been in love.

That's what I want to believe. So badly.

Moving on to happier things, I got my boobs examined today. For several months, I've been having just terrible pain focused around the center. Worse than cramps pain, and I have rather awful cramps. I did a little poking around last month and found a swollen lump-type thing. It wasn't hard, but it wasn't normal.

So I explained this all to the doctor, and she did the examination, talked about other things that have been going on, and I'm switching birth control prescriptions. What I'm on 1) isn't doing anything for the cramps, which is the whole reason why I'm on it and 2) is notorious for occasionally causing breast pain and swelling.

So I'm starting a new prescription on Sunday. Yay! ^^

I frogged my Monkey socks in progress, as the yarn was much too dark to see all the fancy lacework and detail. I started it again today with Lorna's Laces Shephard Sock in the www.yarn-store.com/images/lornaslaces/colorcards/sock-beverly.jpg Beverly colorway. It's turning out to be absolutely beautiful, and I'm not even done with the cuff yet. I will have to get another skein, as one skein is definitely not enough. But it's so pretty and I MUST HAVE MOAR!

However, I am a bit of a reject in the Monkey world, as I have no idea how to do the twisted rib and am instead working on a vanilla k1p1 ribbing.

I discovered today that I am a Hufflepuff, so I will not be scouring the internet for Hufflepuff pride patterns.

Can't wait for Christmas...I must spin yarn soon or I will go absolutely insane!

And I am going to spend the rest of the evening knitting and watching Public Enemies. Sounds like definite fun.

Now if only my body would stop hurting...

mood: drained music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HNrflq9sd0&NR=1&feature=fvwp tags: beverly, boobs, friendships, frustration, hufflepuff, knitting, lorna's laces, love, missed calls, monkeys, moving on, public enemies, trust, yarn

Doing alright, to be honest. I didn't cry/feel the need to cry at all today. I'm not feeling great, but I'm also not feeling like complete shit. It's rather nice.

I'll get to talk to Matt tomorrow; he's calling me through Skype. I do love his voice and his accent, however, because the most British accents I've been exposed to were from Harry Potter, I do occasionally have a hard time understanding him when he talks fast. Maybe I should explain this so he doesn't think I'm deaf when I'm asking him to repeat what he said every now and then. xD

I'm actually doing very well when I don't think; my main flaw is that I think a lot, so the good times aren't often. Every time I close my eyes, my mind jumps to an image of Him...and Her...I hear His voice telling me what they did...it's awful. I don't want that image in my mind, damn it.

My cat scratched me across the wrist a couple minutes ago when she jumped off my lap. Thankfully, it doesn't look self-inflicted but I bet you that some people are going to wonder and have the stupidity to ask if I am cutting myself. Stupid people...

I'm probably going to start making some bracelets out of some yarn in my destash pile. Thankfully, it's not really good yarn and was quite cheap, and there are some rather pretty colors.

Geometry today was spent humming a series of random songs with a guy in front of me. Well, he sang and I hummed. Oh, to be entertained for an hour by humming. We did So Sick about three times. Definitely caused us to get some strange looks from the people around us.

I'm starting to really like Ayala, to be quite honest. There are several people there who I believe are worth knowing. Third period is always the best period of the day because of the people in it.


There's Tanner, who is lots of fun to talk to, mainly because he is very open and a great conversationist and doesn't force his religion on anyone; there's Kevin, a really nice guy who can make people laugh easily. Oh gosh, especially when the teacher accuses him of talking when he's actually being quiet. She always picks on our whole row xD. There's Alex, who is very very funny and interested and who brightened our group's day today by laughing so hard water came out of his nose.


Just people like that make the crappy days alright, even for a little while.

And night has fallen again...once again, I feel cold and lonely. Ugh. I need to find a way to get around this. Yes, I am very nocturnal, but it's nice having someone to stay up with, to talk to late at night.

And I'm going to end this post here, with one last comment:

Chris left a hole in my heart, a hole that he used to fill. When I talk to Matt, no matter how short it is, the hole is momentarily filled and I feel hole again.

tags: alright, ayala, british accents, cats, geometry, harry potter, hole, moving on, nocturnal, thinking

I feel rather miserable, to be honest. Not because of what happened yesterday though. Just, I feel lonely. I don't really talk to people throughout the day. I talk to Josh, Sierra, and Chris.

Josh and Sierra are face to face, but I text Chris. And, unfortunately, there isn't a lot to talk about. I hurt whenever I think of him. And I'm trying to force myself to return to the way I was over the summer, doing everything I could not to think about him. But he's always on my mind.

I wish he wouldn't call me cutie when he texts me on his breaks. But I don't want him to not do it, because that's the only evidence I have that something existed between us, no matter how short it was.

I have accepted this. But it still hurts to think about it. Acceptance does not mean it still doesn't rip me apart.

I'm talking to Matt more and more lately. He's such a nice person...and I do have feelings for him. I haven't had them that long though; they developed back in August.

I think, right now, I want a rebound terribly. I don't care who it is. I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Almost texted Andrew today, to see if he was still an asshole. He probably is, and I'd rather not be told that the world would be better off without me.

But it would fill this whole in my heart. To be able to talk to someone. Anyone. I might just go on Omegle to talk to people. I frankly don't care who I talk to.

If any random person is reading this and wants to talk, message me up. I can be fun to talk to, believe it or not.

Maybe something will end up happening with Matt...maybe he reciprocates. But I'm not going to find out for a long time. I'm going to build up my stability and independence again.

I really wish I could be like every other teenage girl; pretty, tall, skinny, with not a care in the world. I wish I wasn't a hopeless romantic looking for something real and longterm. I wish I could communicate with people better.

But I'm just some freak. I knit. I take showers whenever I feel like crying, because I'm ashamed of tears. I love the internet and the people I've met through it.

Christmas is coming up...I'm not too thrilled. I will be able to actually spin yarn, but last year was amazing and those memories still haunt me.

I was on the phone for four hours, from 10 PM to 2 AM, on Christmas Eve with who I still believe is the most beautiful girl in the world. I did and still do love her. We watched Grease over the phone...and it was amazing.

And I need to end this post as I'm beginning to tear up again thinking about it...well, now full on crying.

Things will be fine...I just need to stay away from the night. Night is evil. Loneliness haunts us at night.

mood: crushed tags: break ups, christmas, grease, high school, internet, moving on, perfect, rebound

I'm going to survive this. Seeing as he is now way out of my league, I am not going to focus on him anymore. And I refuse to cry over some guy who is essentially a cradle robber.

I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to focus more on my school work and more on my friends.

After all, we were best friends before we started loving each other...things will return to normal. And I know they will be.

This obviously was not meant to be. And I'll find others...one who isn't a cradle robber.

My main problem is that I can't communicate f2f with people well. More like at all...people scare me. I'm usually very quiet and shy in public. On the internet, I can fully express myself. So maybe I'll meet someone else on the internet.

There is this one guy...I think he's interested. Not too sure if I am though. :/ Wouldn't a little bit of certainty be nice though?

I'm not going to be destroyed by this. What's meant to be will be. And this was not meant to be.

He proposed to her. And she said yes.

mood: depressed

They broke up last night. He said he didn't care that she didn't want him to talk to me. He told her and they broke up. He moved on to me. Said he had his eyes set on me now. I was happy. I had my best friend back. There was an incredible chance that he would be my love too.

Guess not.

He texted me today. Said he took her back. Funny. Last night he said he was never taking her back. Called her a possessive bitch. Said he only had eyes for me now.

Lies.

He texted me today to say that he had taken her back. He was happy last night because they had broken up. He was finally free and single and he said he loved it.

I was happy too. My best friend was back. And there was a good chance that maybe we would become more.

I guess I got my hopes up.

She texted me today, apologizing for the drama and asking for my forgiveness. She said she wasn't strong and that he was her love and the only one for her. Yeah. Sure. She slept with her ex last night, apparently.

She said I needed to accept her too, as she and Chris were sort of a package. I will not accept her, nor will I forgive her. She makes him happy, and that is all I will ever see her as good for. She broke his heart. She hurt him. I will never forgive her for that. I will always hate her for that.

You don't break up with someone over Facebook then demand them back.

I got my hopes up, alright. But I'm not going to fucking hope anymore. I'm just a back up plan to him. I'm just Plan B to him.And I don't fucking care. To quote him, "she will always mean more to me,". That pretty much sums it up.

I give up. You can have him. I don't fucking care anymore.

Never again shall I befriend another. They all leave me broken and in tears and alone, so what's the fucking point?

Otherwise known as things I want to say to you, but am afraid of how you would react, especially now.

Your voice gives me butterflies and rings in my head for weeks after hearing it.
Sometimes I just listen to your podcast not because I'm interested, but because I want more than anything to hear your voice.
Everything around me reminds me of you, even if it isn't wanted.
Sometimes, like now when you're away and distant, I scare myself to death with worry over the worst possible thing that could have happened.
I believe, more than anything, that this storm will pass and we will make it through this.
I would do anything if it meant that you could be happy for the rest of your life, even if it meant you ending up with Her.
I will never forgive myself for becoming involved with you, no matter how much I love you. It is because of me that you are despondent and distant now. And maybe if I had tried harder to persuade you to not tell her yet, you wouldn't be this despondent.

But alas, one cannot change the past, so I'm going to hold on to the future. I know this won't last forever. Nothing bad lasts forever.

I think I'm going to call you on Friday and tell you all of this. Or maybe next Friday. Whatever. I just need to tell you everything.

You're just someone I need to be in my life. This isn't like Chyann. I wonder if she even really cared. And she broke me too many times for it to really sting too much when we stopped talking.

You, on the otherhand, I know what you feel is real, because I feel it too. I hear it in your voice and see it in your smiles. There's a sort of rightness that comes from knowing you.

And even if we don't end up working out on a romantic level, more than anything, I still want you in my life as a friend. Because you're already my best friend, and I trust you more than I trust any other human. And I will be here for you for as long as you want me here. I will always be here if you need anything.


And I'm not going to spend too much time on this subject, because my life is not ruled by the presence of romance, although it is rather appreciated. Anyways, not a lot happened today. I caught up on some much needed sleep before starting homework, which, thankfully, was only geometry today.

And I still need to print out the scoresheet for English, but I'm being a terrible influence on others and procrastinating heavily.

I think Tiana is getting sick, but I really hope not. She was making strange noises and spent today lying under blankets in my bed. It could also be that she is exhausted, as she was up barking most of the night.

Not totally sure what to do for the rest of the night. Homework is done. There really isn't anyone to talk to. I'd sleep, but I can't have my parents thinking that because I'm sleeping more, I'm getting depressed. Looks like Sims2, or reading through the cracked articles.

And, as I am signing off, I will leave you with this bit of entertainment: www.cracked.com/article_18177_7-things-good-parents-do-that-screw-kids-up-life.html

Hi. My name is Taylor. I am a teenager growing up in southern California. This is not my first time having a blog, but I decided to start over from where I was before due to personal issues.

I guess one could call me normal, and this life a normal life. I have two parents and a sister who is younger. We have a house full of animals that we love yet drive us insane. I am enrolled in the local high school, my parents work, and my sister is in middle school.

So let us just dive right into it, so the anonymous readers out there (if any exist) know who I am. I am fifteen. I practice the religion of Buddhism, which is a bit of a difficulty while living with my rather religious Christian family. Fiber arts are my passion. Psychology keeps me intrigued as well as fascinated every day when I encounter other humans.

I may sometimes just ramble on about a subject of any sorts. However, most of the time I will be treating this like most do a blog, or a journal. I will not be writing for people to read this, but merely as a way to relieve my emotions. However, all readers and commenters are welcome and highly appreciated! :)

So let's start out with today.

NaNoWriMo ended yesterday. I wowed myself by actually coming past the 50k mark, as well as writing a couple hundred extra words. Finishing was an absolutely amazing feeling. However, I woke up this morning and stared at the computer screen for several minutes before realizing that because NaNoWriMo was over, I had absolutely nothing to do to fill my time between school, homework, and sleep.

So it looks like now I will devote my time to more knitting and reading. I may go out with a few friends every now and then, but large hang-outs are rare for me to do, as I prefer quiet things, such as hanging out with one or two friends in a park or something of the sort.

There was a lot of drama today that I would rather not elaborate on, as it was rather painful and led to me crying in several of my classes due to the emotional pain that was caused by it all.

I thought for a very long time after school and realized that impermanence is a real thing. It's a beautiful thing. The best three months of my life ended today. Yes, it hurt, and yes, I knew it wasn't going to last forever. But I also know that the pain I feel now because of this isn't going to last forever either. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is slowly approaching with each minute that goes by.

Anyways, before the hardcore rambling begins, I'm going to start to wind this off, leaving you with the fact that I love cracked.com as well as xkcd.com and lefthandedtoons.com, so you may occasionally see things pointing off to those websites, as there were articles/comics that I found particularly funny. :)


Good night, livejournal, and I shall see you tomorrow.

tags: blog, buddhism, hello, impermanence, knitting, nanowrimo, new, psychology, start, starts, teenage, teenager